The following is a transcript of the text messages sent between my brother and I during last night’s game. A few edits were made for the sake of the children.
Me: I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep this up all year.
Brother: Keep what up?
Me: This blog. Watching them is killing me.
Brother: You can just read the boxscore and pretend.
Me: That would be disingenuous.
Who do you give it to right now?
Brother: I don’t know. Reyes?
Jose, just doing nothing.
Me: Why? He hasn’t don’t anything.
Brother: Exactly.
…
Brother: Oh, Thole just took a huge lead.
Me: Yup. Thole certainly exemplifies failure after that.
Me: Neise is nice.
Brother: He did the little things.
Me: I would so much rather have to watch Neise than Pelfrey.
It’s about pitching in jams.
And not having sex with men.
Brother: Do you like Emaus because his name is like anus?
Me: Because he’s ‘hard nosed.’
…
Me: Beltran just did something awful.
Beltran is sad
Brother: Yeah.
If a big rally happens he wins.
Me: Are you watching or listening?
…
I mean “it is for the players who drop the ball.”
Brother: Listening
Me: I can’t believe the Mets could actually win a game.
I mean, they won’t, but they could.
Brother: He touched it? I thought he just didn’t get there. They’ll blow it late. I knew they couldn’t pitch. I didn’t know they also couldn’t hit.
Me: It was in his glove. It fell out.
Brother: That’s it then. Unless someone tops him.
Me: Well, if he hits a home run. I mean, Thole made a strong argument for himself. Beltran, was on the run, in foul ground, near the wall.
…
Whose this schlub?
…
Oh Parnell.
Brother: Look… someone will blow this game for the mets…. that man will probably win the award.
Me: Right. Probably parnell. He has too much of last year tattooed on his baseball reference page.
Beltran just called off Pagan on flyout to right-center field. Whose the real center-fielder?
Brother: I remember once Cerrone wrote that Bobby Parnell had a “cool greaser” name.
What
A
[expletive.]
Me: Hu’s on third.
Brother: Hu cares?
Hu joins the culture of failure
Me: Hu farted.
Brother: Hu done it.
Me: Hu’s on first.
Brother: Hu keeps farting
Me: Hu raped the marlins.
Brother: Hu scored.
Me: Hu ate the cookies.
Brother: Hu are you?
Me: Hu sucked a [expletive]
I can’t believe the Mets are going to be 1-1.
I thought they might be 1-0, but I never considered the possibility of 1-1. I even thought they could go 0-162.
Do you think the mets could find a way to lose more than 162 games?
…
I do.
Brother: They may not win this won.
Me: Life finds a way.
I guess K-rod could win it with ease. A home run wins him the award. They’re bleeding us slow.
Brother: WE HAVE A WINNER!
Fransisco Rodriguez wins the second Wilpon Award
Good thing he beats up his family members.
Did the grounder to Murphy seem like something he should have gotten?
Me: Yes. Ike would have had it.
…
Seriously? Is it over?
Brother: Remember the tv show Joanie loves chachi?
The Wilpon Award 