Category Archives: Jonathon Neise

E-mails from the family


From Brother:

This isn’t the best written article. In fact, this article does everything I think bad sports coverage does: it uses adjectives like “rocket arm,” as though that’s a quantifiable thing. What exactly is a rocket arm? A guy who throws the ball well? Oh great. There is a guy on the team that throws the ball well. Congratulations. Welcome to the big leagues. If that’s part of your top ten reasons why the Mets aren’t terrible than you’re an idiot and the Mets are in serious trouble.

Here is another good one, “Angel Pagan is for real.” Now the other day I said Ike Davis was ‘for real’ and that was because I was writing an e-mail to you guys. If I was writing a collumn for ESPN and I had a bullet point about a team’s chances that said “Angel Pagan is for real” I’d certainly have to add, “But his talent is unreal,” just to make things even more retarded.

My point is, this guys is a moron and his reasons for the mets not being terrible are based on things that could apply to any team.

Let me show you: “The Pittsburgh Pirates could surprise people this year. Jose Tabata has a rocket arm, and mark my words, Andrew McCutcheon is for real. Did I mention in Correa and Maholm they have two bonafide starters? They may not be great, but if they can stay healthy this team will be playing a lot of baseball games.”

Anyway here is the article:

From Father:

You left out that the bullpen is “sneaky good.” That’s even dumber and emptier a statement than rocket arms and being for real.

Every year there are several bullpens that turn out to be ‘SNEAKY GOOD’. What that basically means is that people you never heard of suddenly fool batters for most of a season, mostly because nobody’s that familiar with them. And it could happen to anybody, but the odds are it’s going to happen to a team with a bullpen full of unfamiliar pitchers. Therefore, the Mets with Beato, Boyer, Buchholz, Beany, Boopsie, and Flopsy and Mopsie are a good candidate for this year’s “sneaky good” bullpen.

From The Wilpon Award:

Who on the Mets could even be described as having a ‘Rocket Arm?’ The closest thing I could imagine, being anywhere close to the Mets, with a ‘rocket arm’ is an Iron Man action figure Jose Reyes’ son left in his father’s locker.


From Brother:

The Bullpen was sneaky bad today. But so was everything else. Maybe not so sneakily.

The award goes to Davis and Wright. They came up with runners on before the Phillies had the chance to score. They could have jumped on Halladay and they both failed.

From Father:

The award goes to Niese for not fooling us by looking good when he was going to end up stinking so bad. And there should be an honorable mention to Wilson Valdez for being shitty when he was a Met and turning into a good player when he went to Philadelphia. Maybe that’s another award altogether. Call it the “Health Bell” and it could look like a Bell.

And then there should be an award for a player for being good and then stinking when they become Mets. That could be called ‘The Alomar,’ and it could look like a pool of spit. Or a pile of shit.

Of course, since Sandy Alderson doesn’t believe in trading for players who’ve been good before, we may not have to worry about that one.

From The Wilpon Award:

God smiled upon me and I accidentally missed today’s game. The award goes to my DVR.

Either of you want to write the award?

From Brother:

Normally I would, but I really don’t have any time today.

From Father:

I pretty much turned it off too. I wouldn’t know what to write.

From The Wilpon Award:


Jonathon Neise takes home the coveted 6th Wilpon Award!