It’s not my birthday but…

I’d really like someone to buy me one of these:

A worthless piece of cotton cut into the shape of a t-shirt

oh, also, yesterday’s Wilpon Award goes to Frank Fransisco.

Today there were many Mets deserving of the much heralded “worst player in the universe award” but unfortunately the Mets won, making them a very sloppy 8-6.

Special Off-Day Award for Retardation

Today on the most poorly written blog on the internet  Matt Cerrone stated, in reference to Kirk Nieuwenhuis’ strong play, “The point is, I might want to start memorizing how to spell his last name, as opposed to repeatedly copying and pasting it in from my clipboard.” The concept of Matt Cerrone trying to learn things is so foreign to me I decided to try and visualize it which can be represented in the following scene:
Matt Cerrone and Michael Baron sit across from each other at a desk littered with Mets promotional items (bobble-heads, sny magnetic calendars, Mr. Met Tote bags, Mike Pelfrey themed tums containers, etc.). Matt Cerone wears his Ny Mets Pyjama pants and a Brooklyn Cyclones oversized t-shit, instead of shoes he has Mr. Met slippers. Michael Baron wears his Citi Field Moo-moo and David Wright replica cleats. 
Baron (holding up a flash-card): Okay, try this one: he’s the new center fielder.
Cerrone: Okay, I know this one. N-E-W
Baron: ahh (making a buzzer sound)
Cerrone: Okay, N-U
Baron: AHHH!
Cerrone: Okay, N-O-O
Baron: AHHHH!
Cerrone: Gosh, I’ll, like, never get this one.
Baron: Let’s come back to this one. Here is another, ‘What do you call it when a pitcher throws at least six innings and allows three runs or less?
Cerrone: A win?
Baron: AHHHH!
Cerrone: (fishing) an infield fly rule?
Baron: AHHHHH
Cerrone: FOR PETE’S SAKE WILL YOU STOP MAKING THAT CONFOUNDED NOISE!?
Baron: Ahhhhhh — Quality Start.  Okay, let’s go back to the center fielder.
Cerrone: Can’t we just teach my spell check to know these player’s names?
Baron: Come on, you can do this.
Cerrone: Okay, N-I (he pauses waiting for Baron’s buzzer sound) E (he waits again) U- no N
Baron: AHHHHH
Cerrone: I’m just no good at this, maybe I just wasn’t cut out to be a blogger…
Baron and Cerrone sit silently staring at each other considering this possibility, but then they both start laughing. 

Blame it on the Rain

Dickey didn’t have his Knuckle-Ball and the Mets didn’t have a chance. Complaining that he was throwing ‘water-balloons’ Dickey never got it together. Lucky for Lucas Duda and Ike Davis ,who are batting .196 and .156 respectively, the Mets second best pitcher had his worst game as a member of the team the day after the mets best pitcher had his worst day as a pitcher.

The Braves are not quite Mount Kilimanjaro

R.A. you humble us all…

Santana came early this year, for the Braves…

It’s hard not to give Santana the 4th Wilpon Award of the year, because he was just horrible. Bay’s error was a drop of diarrhea in the sea of shit that was the Mets’ 4th loss, and therefore:

Johan Santana is happy to be back in New York

KUDOS TO YOU JOHAN! You win the award for the Wilponiest Ace in the league!

Loss #3 – Crappy Robinson Day

Ruben Tejada squares up a ground ball

It was Ruben Tejada’s error that allowed Jackie Robinson day to be so unpleasant, but was it really his fault? Ramirez, Acosta, and Batista shit the proverbial bed in keeping Pelfrey’s 2-1 lead safe. Of course Pelfrey’s 2-1 lead came from repeating an unsustainable Houdini act in which he managed to keep stranding base runners. All told Pelfrey allowed 8 hits and 2 walks over 6 innings which simply won’t cut it if he intends to maintain his 3.09 era for any reasonable length of time.

Assuming it’s safe to say that the difference between being behind 7-2 and 8-2 in the bottom of the ninth is negligible, we can eliminate Batista from the argument and therefore we are faced with two questions: who is more to blame, the relief pitcher who blew the lead, or the Relief pitcher who let the game get out of reach; and if it is the latter is that the fault of the fielder who let the inning continue or the pitcher, who after the error was committed, walked in a run and allowed a bases loaded double?

This begs the greater question, when does a team give up? If the Mets’ bullpen kept the braves offense to 3 runs would the Mets’ batters have played harder? If the Mets weren’t already behind would Acosta have been able to recover from the error? What we have to look at is the pivotal moment, when was the game no longer a game? By that logic it was probably over much earlier than any of the mentioned events. It was over the same moment the Mets season ended, when Mike Pelfrey took the mound. But alas, as much as we’d like to give it to Big Pelf it doesn’t seem fair. This loss’, and the third Wilpon Award of the Season will instead go to Manny Acosta, you should have gotten out of that inning and kept the game close. You may have escaped this round Ramirez, but be forewarned you’re on thin ice.

Manny Acosto blows some snot into his hand

MANNY ACOSTA CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE WON THE THIRD WILPON AWARD OF THE SEASON!

 

 

Mets Lose 4-0

Terry Collins tries to give his life meaning

It would be unfair to give the Wilpon Award for the Mets’ second loss to Johan Santana, due to his yeoman’s effort; and despite having awarded non-players before it seems unreasonable to award the honors to Larry Vanover, since he doesn’t really qualify as a Wilpon hire (although you never know, he might be on some undocumented payroll for the team); so it whose left?

Terry Collins is a strong candidate for getting thrown out arguing a call on behalf of Jason Bay. Of course Jason Bay is a strong candidate for, well, being Jason Bay. Ramon Ramirez certainly didn’t have his strongest stuff, and while his past performances have been intrinsic in getting the Mets the 4 wins prior to this game, The Wilpon Award does not reflect on one’s history, only the here and now! With no players self-selecting with horrible errors or miscues it really comes down to these three: Ramirez, Bay, and Collins. A relief pitcher who struggled with 3 walks, an anemic hitter who complained about bad umpiring but couldn’t hit the ball even if it was a strike, or a manager who went to bat for a hitter who was upset about a bad call despite being unable to hit the ball if it had been a strike. Well, Ramirez is spared by the combined idiocy of Bay and Collins, and so we can solve the problem by answering the age old question, “Whose the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?”

TERRY COLLINS CONGRATULATIONS! You have won the year’s second Wilpon Award.  You are granted the honor not only for having been thrown out of a game defending Jason Bay’s honor (cough), but for continuing to put the impotent canadian in your line-up!

Terry Collin wins the second Wilpon Award

First Wilpon Award of the year

Even though this is the first Wilpon Award of the year we’re going to keep it short and sweet. There are only three options for last night’s award Dillon Gee, David Wright (and his pinky), or Daniel Murphy. In typical Wilpon Award style we won’t give it to Gee who gave it a yeoman’s effort, despite his poor line; or Murphy, whose error made a bad game worse,  because he is so new to the position; and we won’t even give it to David Wright’s sub-par pinky finger. No, the first Wilpon Award is going to those who are long overdue for an aware: The Mets’ unbelievably terrible training staff who can’t help but ruin a perfectly healthy player’s career.

This afternoon Santana squares off against Strasburg in the rubber game of what we at the Wilpon Award have dubbed “The Battle of The Most Egregious Contracts: Bay vs. Werth”