Category Archives: Elijah Wood

Honorary Celebrity Wilpon Award

Luckily it was raining in Atlanta so Mets Fans were spared another brutal loss. On the flipside, we get to look forward to two brutal losses tomorrow. At least the Knicks are in the post season, right?

Oh, right.

Anyway since there isn’t anything else going on we thought we would award an Honorary Celebrity Wilpon Award to thank some folks for making utter fools of themselves. I’d like to give the award to the entire industry of advertising, but I think we can do much better.  In a typical expression of celebrity, liberal, white, whatever-you-

Richard Gere is African

want-to-call-it-guilt some “A” listers have gotten together to make asses out of themselves. These celebrities are making an ‘impact’ by raising awareness for AIDS in Africa. As if we were more aware of them, the celebrities, than we were the entire continent of Africa, or one of the biggest epidemics in a generation Aids, or the combination of the two things.

Thank you Richard Gere, The Wilpon Award supports your attempts at giving back to the world in the only way we know how. Now get that paint off your head, you clown.

This massive assault on our intelligence, reasonability, and decency condescendingly explains that “each and every one of us contains DNA that can be traced back to our African ancestors. These amazing people traveled far and wide. Now they need our help.”

Sarah Jessica Parker is African

Wait, which amazing people? Richard Gere and Carrie Bradshaw, or the Africans we all descended from? Because if it’s the Africans we all descended from, I have some news for you, they’re past helping. Most of those ancestors have been gone awhile. So they must be refering to the celebrities, right? Look, everyone knows SJP, and Richard Gere have had there misfortunes. Sex and The City II, the Matthew Broderick (Mets Fan) break-up, and Richard Gere’s problem, but they aren’t really asking for our help are they? And if they are, why are they claiming to be from Africa? None of this makes sense.  Suffice it to say, America’s brightest starts, are looking like America’s biggest assholes. The only thing more embarrassing than having to look at these moron’s faces, is realizing they think we’re dumb enough to eat this stuff.

Of course they didn’t just go for the movie stars. They went after rock & roll too. Now usually I expect one of the regular fools to carry this torch, you know: Bono, Sting, Paul McCartney even Elvis Costello, or The Boss wouldn’t shock me. No this time they went where it hurts. They got David Bowie. Although,

David Bowie is African

one has to wonder, maybe David Bowie just woke up from a bender, already had the paint on, and someone happened to grab a photo of him unknowingly. Just look at his face, he doesn’t seem to give off the impression that he has any clue what is going on. Look again, what is all over his jaw line? Plaster? Cream Cheese? Mr. Bowie, please explain! I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION!

The Honorary Wilpon Award probably can’t go to all these celebrities. It would also be wrong to give it to the ad campaign, after all they are trying to do something good, they’re just taking advantage of fools (both the celebrities and people who subscribe to magazines) in the process. So we’ll have to give it to one Celebrity. One Celebrity who no matter how hard he tries is most certainly not African.

Elijah Wood is a Hobbit