The Wilpons Return and so will their Awards.

Dear Reader,

It is with great disappointment that I must inform you that The Wilpon Award will be returning for another season.  In an attempt to avoid the inevitable, those of us here at The Wilpon Award tried to ingratiate ourselves to other, less acid-reflux-inducing, teams. Unfortunately the result was the worst; we found ourselves flipping back to watch Mike Pelfrey pitching batting practice to any one of the three other teams within 500 miles of the Mets incredibly expensive training facility in Port St. Lucie.

After much hemming and hawing we decided as long as we were going to continue to watch and root for the Mets  — and subsequently get mocked mercilessly and laughed out of any decent conversation pertaining to baseball — we might as well preempt the inevitable and mock ourselves, our team, our allegiance, and most importantly these pitiful owners.

The Wilpon Award will once again strive to find the greatest failures, the biggest disappointments, the most abominable atrocities, and the saddest moments that happen between two foul lines. We will watch, albeit hiding our eyes, as many Mets games as our highly paid psychiatrists allow us to, in the hopes of finding a few bright spots in the team we once loved. Meanwhile, each day we will be awarding players who best encompass the traits the Mets Owners, Fred & Jeff Wilpon, value most: incompetence, idiocy, poor instincts, and of course failure.  It is with this sentiment in mind that we award our very first Wilpon Award of the season to the man who single-handedly is responsible for our reluctant return, Irvin Picard. For he, and he alone, could have done the honorable thing and put us all out of our misery by bankrupting this titanic of a baseball team. Thank you Irving, you could have backed over this gimp mutt, but instead you decided to keep on tearing down that country road toward brighter futures, letting us limp our way to the gutter, where we will inevitably suffer through a seemingly endless misery. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Irving Picard looking really smug after making all Mets Fan's lives hell for the foreseeable future.

The Body Issue

I know that I have been remiss in updating  the Wilpon Award this Mets season. Just like the team, I started off strong, petered out, and then entirely stopped paying attention. With the regular season over I, the owners,  pledge to not let that happen again next year (If the Wilpons can, why can’t I?).

Obviously Jose Reyes won the season’s Wilpon Award when he walked away from the 162nd game of the season in the first inning, however a post-season award is worth mentioning. While I pledged to award a Wilpon for every Met game, I never pledged that I wouldn’t award a Wilpon for non-met games, or just shit that happens, that aren’t Met games. Case in point.

Well today marks an important week since ESPN the magazine is bringing back it’s 3rd annual ‘Body Issue.’ In it professional athletes pose nude, conveniently blocking their goals, in an effort to help subscription sales of the magazine. Although, why anyone would want a subscription to any magazine that considers “professional poker” a sport is beyond me.

Past issues have shown how some of America’s favorite athlete’s body issues might have affected their on court issues. For instance the image of Amar’e Staudemire (pictured left) might indicate, from his complete lack of a penis, that he might not be physically capable of blocking the box against Dwight Howard – who couldn’t even have the lower portion of his body in frame.

Truth be told, the whole idea of looking at athletes naked is kind of a false-start.  In concept it seems great, but in practice it’s kind of frightening.  Similar to bodybuilders, there is just something grotesque about their over developed, roid ridden physiques. So, in honor of the Wilpon Award we give this day’s award to the guy who deserves it the most, Jose Reyes. I hope you’re happy wherever you land.

Now Jose Reyes' body issue isn't just staying healthy.

After a drought…

It’s been a tough stretch without Wilpon Awards, but that included a 6 game win streak, which brought the team’s record up to 11-13, before two losses the last two games. In order to make up for it I would like to show you this video of Mookie Wilson and Keith Hernandez trying to teach David Wright how to hit with runners on base:

Honorary Celebrity Wilpon Award

Luckily it was raining in Atlanta so Mets Fans were spared another brutal loss. On the flipside, we get to look forward to two brutal losses tomorrow. At least the Knicks are in the post season, right?

Oh, right.

Anyway since there isn’t anything else going on we thought we would award an Honorary Celebrity Wilpon Award to thank some folks for making utter fools of themselves. I’d like to give the award to the entire industry of advertising, but I think we can do much better.  In a typical expression of celebrity, liberal, white, whatever-you-

Richard Gere is African

want-to-call-it-guilt some “A” listers have gotten together to make asses out of themselves. These celebrities are making an ‘impact’ by raising awareness for AIDS in Africa. As if we were more aware of them, the celebrities, than we were the entire continent of Africa, or one of the biggest epidemics in a generation Aids, or the combination of the two things.

Thank you Richard Gere, The Wilpon Award supports your attempts at giving back to the world in the only way we know how. Now get that paint off your head, you clown.

This massive assault on our intelligence, reasonability, and decency condescendingly explains that “each and every one of us contains DNA that can be traced back to our African ancestors. These amazing people traveled far and wide. Now they need our help.”

Sarah Jessica Parker is African

Wait, which amazing people? Richard Gere and Carrie Bradshaw, or the Africans we all descended from? Because if it’s the Africans we all descended from, I have some news for you, they’re past helping. Most of those ancestors have been gone awhile. So they must be refering to the celebrities, right? Look, everyone knows SJP, and Richard Gere have had there misfortunes. Sex and The City II, the Matthew Broderick (Mets Fan) break-up, and Richard Gere’s problem, but they aren’t really asking for our help are they? And if they are, why are they claiming to be from Africa? None of this makes sense.  Suffice it to say, America’s brightest starts, are looking like America’s biggest assholes. The only thing more embarrassing than having to look at these moron’s faces, is realizing they think we’re dumb enough to eat this stuff.

Of course they didn’t just go for the movie stars. They went after rock & roll too. Now usually I expect one of the regular fools to carry this torch, you know: Bono, Sting, Paul McCartney even Elvis Costello, or The Boss wouldn’t shock me. No this time they went where it hurts. They got David Bowie. Although,

David Bowie is African

one has to wonder, maybe David Bowie just woke up from a bender, already had the paint on, and someone happened to grab a photo of him unknowingly. Just look at his face, he doesn’t seem to give off the impression that he has any clue what is going on. Look again, what is all over his jaw line? Plaster? Cream Cheese? Mr. Bowie, please explain! I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION!

The Honorary Wilpon Award probably can’t go to all these celebrities. It would also be wrong to give it to the ad campaign, after all they are trying to do something good, they’re just taking advantage of fools (both the celebrities and people who subscribe to magazines) in the process. So we’ll have to give it to one Celebrity. One Celebrity who no matter how hard he tries is most certainly not African.

Elijah Wood is a Hobbit


The second game

“The Mets lost two games today,” I said to a friend.

“That’s all?” He joked.

Who wins an award for the worst player, on a team without good players?

Botching a double switch < botching a double play

When it rains it pours.

Collins hadn’t won a single Wilpon Award until Wednesdays game, then he has to go and call out his team at being too eligible for Wilpon Awards, only to see the team exemplify everything a Wilpon award represents. Two awards in as many days.

Laugh it up, fuzzball.

At the game: 4/14

Double?

Watching the Mets live is good. Turning to your father in the 7th inning when Terry Collins pinch hit for Jon Neise with Brad Emaus and saying “Do you think he’s preparing to prove to the world that he understands how to do a double switch?” Followed by lots of joking about his incompetency level, only to discover that in fact Collins did not do a double-switch even when Daniel Murphy made the last out of inning is outrageous. You win Terry, you win.